SO I'm watching Biggest Loser. Today was my own personal weigh in as well. I am a bit of a product fiend. SO because I follow BL so much, I have Biggest Loser Workouts, Gum, Water Bottles, and even the DS Lite Biggest Loser game. It's nice, it has a calorie counter for both food and burned calories and it reminds me to weigh in each week. Frustratingly, In week 1 I lost none, week 2 I lost four and Week 3 I have gained 1. So in three weeks.. I've lost three pounds.
Seeing all these people on Biggest Loser on Makeover week and watching them go shopping and listening to them talk about how pretty they look makes me SO very Jealous. I don't know how to explain it. I should be happy for them.. And I am!! I am happy for them! I'm just Jealous too. I have no help. I tell my parents about losing four pounds and it's a head nod. I tell them hey! Work out with me, and they just kind of shrug me off.
I just don't know how to keep myself motivated without others. I'm so.. horribly dependent. I need others on the ride with me. No one wants too though. I spend so much time and energy trying to convince others to come with me, to do this with me.. that I wear myself out. I can't keep it up on my own. I need help and I need friends that want to work out and want to eat right. I just.. can't find any.
I have my husband, but he puts off working out. " If you just wait a moment I'll work out with you" He's sincere... but he's also a procrastinator. By the time a minute has gone by for him.. it's 5 am and we still haven't slept.
On top of this I'm still having problems with my shoulder and hip, which keeps me up even more at night. I think I sleep maybe three or four hours a night. I know sleep is important to weight loss, but even with the 800 mg ibuprofen I have for pain it doesn't help. I just lay there awake and uncomfortable. Sometimes my sister ( A Licensed Massage Therapist ) helps me out. It lasts a couple of days at most and then I'm hurting again. It's like when the pain is off for a few days and then comes back I feel it more. I have bruises on my right thigh and my right forearm too that I don't know where they came from. I have no insurance I don't know what to do. I can go to the indian clinic in Oklahoma but.. that takes money I don't have.
Sorry for the rant. Biggest Loser really brings out my concerns about weight loss. My father is now on a cpap machine, my mother is pretty sure that she's going to never lose weight. She's stopped trying really. She just keeps telling me " We'll just go for surgery.. we don't have the time to do it on our own. " No one has faith in me, no one wants to work with me.. I have to do it on my own. I just don't want to.. I want to do it with someone.
I missed out on everything... I didn't get to dress nice EVER. In a way that made me feel good. I didn't get to wear my first pair of jeans until highschool and that's only because I discovered Lane Bryant.. A specialty store. I just.. want so bad to lose weight and I can't even make it past these first four pounds! SO AGGRAVATING!!! Anyway. The Biggest Losers Al look utterly amazing! Especially Michael I think he's already a hottie and he says he still needs to lose more. He weighs less than I do now. Congrats to all the Biggest Losers on their Makeover night!!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Good Errand Girl
Well.. So my husband turned 27 on the 29th of April. We stayed up all night the 26th and sat outside on the porch in the near full moonlight and watched the clouds float by like something out of a sweet horror movie set.
It was pretty epic all in all. We are poor and happy, which may just be one of the best ways to be. Not many responsibilities, not much money, not many obligations, but happy. So finally we headed back inside to go to bed and my phone rings. At 4:30 in the morning I was a little surprised. It was my mother. " I'm dropping a load of paper goods, cups and things at a place in Springfield! Meet me here to unload it instead of making me pay the lumpers and I'll pay you instead." Well sure! Who's gunna turn down some cash and.. from the sounds of it.. easy cash.
Boxes of paper plates, foam cups, plastic containers, things for concessions stands and the like.. aren't very heavy. Typically, a truckload of them would be conveniently stacked by the code on the sides of their boxes easily inventoried and placed on pallets, taped and set aside. However, this load, was stacked floor to ceiling of her semi trailer and all the way back. It was a BIG load of paper goods.
So we get to work. The spanish speaking individual driving the electric pallet jack for us is rude to me. I'm not sure why, I'm working my buns off and he's still being rude, I'm polite and he's still rude. Whatever, I get my work done after all, I'm not working for him. I was working for my mother. It took us.. maybe 2-3 hours to finish palletizing and unloading this truck.
They acted like it took forever. Having been in the cab of the truck instead of the back, I knew for a fact.. this amount of time was fairly average for how long it took to unload our truck. All in all, I was tired, sore and a little angry by the time we were done. It was worth it though. Every minute was a work out! When you are trying to lose weight isn't that what's important? Well maybe sleep too, but I haven't been getting much of that.
To fill people in. I have been having pain in my right hip off and on since high school. My right shoulder is also kind of screwy. Having never given it much thought because it didn't hurt, my right shoulder would sometimes make a "slipping" or "sliding" feeling. I never really complained because it didn't hurt, it didn't affect how I worked or how well I lifted things and I am just not the type to complain. For probably the past 6 months now. It's been fairly painful. Certain motions hurt and it pops a lot. With those two things hurting, sleep is hard without some way way awesome pain killer. I'm loathe to take that much tylenol or Ibuprofen though.
For some reason all my busted parts are on the right side. My right knee, I tore the carelidge in high school. My right ankle pops when I wake up because apparently I lock it in place when I sleep. My right eye is worst than my left.. etc etc. Weird how these things happen huh? I've only ever had to have stitches on my right side. Twice in fact. In the car accident I was in back in 2004 it was my right knee and arm that took the brunt of the glass from my window on my right side. Just weird huh?
It was pretty epic all in all. We are poor and happy, which may just be one of the best ways to be. Not many responsibilities, not much money, not many obligations, but happy. So finally we headed back inside to go to bed and my phone rings. At 4:30 in the morning I was a little surprised. It was my mother. " I'm dropping a load of paper goods, cups and things at a place in Springfield! Meet me here to unload it instead of making me pay the lumpers and I'll pay you instead." Well sure! Who's gunna turn down some cash and.. from the sounds of it.. easy cash.
Boxes of paper plates, foam cups, plastic containers, things for concessions stands and the like.. aren't very heavy. Typically, a truckload of them would be conveniently stacked by the code on the sides of their boxes easily inventoried and placed on pallets, taped and set aside. However, this load, was stacked floor to ceiling of her semi trailer and all the way back. It was a BIG load of paper goods.
So we get to work. The spanish speaking individual driving the electric pallet jack for us is rude to me. I'm not sure why, I'm working my buns off and he's still being rude, I'm polite and he's still rude. Whatever, I get my work done after all, I'm not working for him. I was working for my mother. It took us.. maybe 2-3 hours to finish palletizing and unloading this truck.
They acted like it took forever. Having been in the cab of the truck instead of the back, I knew for a fact.. this amount of time was fairly average for how long it took to unload our truck. All in all, I was tired, sore and a little angry by the time we were done. It was worth it though. Every minute was a work out! When you are trying to lose weight isn't that what's important? Well maybe sleep too, but I haven't been getting much of that.
To fill people in. I have been having pain in my right hip off and on since high school. My right shoulder is also kind of screwy. Having never given it much thought because it didn't hurt, my right shoulder would sometimes make a "slipping" or "sliding" feeling. I never really complained because it didn't hurt, it didn't affect how I worked or how well I lifted things and I am just not the type to complain. For probably the past 6 months now. It's been fairly painful. Certain motions hurt and it pops a lot. With those two things hurting, sleep is hard without some way way awesome pain killer. I'm loathe to take that much tylenol or Ibuprofen though.
For some reason all my busted parts are on the right side. My right knee, I tore the carelidge in high school. My right ankle pops when I wake up because apparently I lock it in place when I sleep. My right eye is worst than my left.. etc etc. Weird how these things happen huh? I've only ever had to have stitches on my right side. Twice in fact. In the car accident I was in back in 2004 it was my right knee and arm that took the brunt of the glass from my window on my right side. Just weird huh?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Opening Statements
I don't have any friends on this blog. So far so good. It seems, (and I hate to be this way), that when I do make a blog and friends read it, they assume the negative words with in are about them specifically.
While that may be true it is also not my intention to hurt anyones feelings with my very clear set opinions. However, I do like good arguments on friendly terms. I love to see both sides of the argument, I like to be able to debate and understand that sometimes my views aren't necessarily correct or the only one.
I love youtube, I love finding youtube talents. I suppose in some ways I wish I was brave enough to just film myself singing or playing an instrument, but in truth I am one of those many many "Patron saints of mediocrity" that will always be decent at most things but never GOOD at any one thing in particular.
Lastly, I am not necessarily religious though I do believe in a good moral code and strong ethics. I just want people to understand that I am not any one thing in life. I study many things and love to hear other opinions than my own. My one true steadfast thing that I am trying to do, is lose weight. Which hasn't happened no matter how much I try.
I went on my first diet in fourth grade. My mother put me on it, my father told me big girls should stop tucking in their shirts because it made them look bigger. If this wasn't enough it was about then that kids at school began to take notice of my chubbiness. So.. I did what I thought would be fun, I started Basketball. I lost weight, was feeling great, had friends from practice, and then... I asked dad if I should try out again the following year.
" You're too fat and slow.. " was the simple statement of fact.
So I quit.
Quitting has been a part of my life ever since then. I start a job... and I quit, I take piano and I quit. I was in music for 7 years in highschool, and quit. The only thing I haven't quit doing is dreaming of the day when this weight will go away and I can finally say.. " THERE! No excuses. You don't look silly in those work uniforms, no one is laughing at you just because of the way you walk. So stand tall and be the brave person you always knew you could be!"
I've lost four pounds. Let's just see if I can keep it up.
This was a pretty negative post.. but perhaps eventually I'll lose that negativity with everything else I am trying to shed!!
While that may be true it is also not my intention to hurt anyones feelings with my very clear set opinions. However, I do like good arguments on friendly terms. I love to see both sides of the argument, I like to be able to debate and understand that sometimes my views aren't necessarily correct or the only one.
I love youtube, I love finding youtube talents. I suppose in some ways I wish I was brave enough to just film myself singing or playing an instrument, but in truth I am one of those many many "Patron saints of mediocrity" that will always be decent at most things but never GOOD at any one thing in particular.
Lastly, I am not necessarily religious though I do believe in a good moral code and strong ethics. I just want people to understand that I am not any one thing in life. I study many things and love to hear other opinions than my own. My one true steadfast thing that I am trying to do, is lose weight. Which hasn't happened no matter how much I try.
I went on my first diet in fourth grade. My mother put me on it, my father told me big girls should stop tucking in their shirts because it made them look bigger. If this wasn't enough it was about then that kids at school began to take notice of my chubbiness. So.. I did what I thought would be fun, I started Basketball. I lost weight, was feeling great, had friends from practice, and then... I asked dad if I should try out again the following year.
" You're too fat and slow.. " was the simple statement of fact.
So I quit.
Quitting has been a part of my life ever since then. I start a job... and I quit, I take piano and I quit. I was in music for 7 years in highschool, and quit. The only thing I haven't quit doing is dreaming of the day when this weight will go away and I can finally say.. " THERE! No excuses. You don't look silly in those work uniforms, no one is laughing at you just because of the way you walk. So stand tall and be the brave person you always knew you could be!"
I've lost four pounds. Let's just see if I can keep it up.
This was a pretty negative post.. but perhaps eventually I'll lose that negativity with everything else I am trying to shed!!
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